mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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