Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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