Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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