she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
