what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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