Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
