U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Randomize
