I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
