I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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