why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
