If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
