Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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