Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
