I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
