I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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