i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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