A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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