the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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