I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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