I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
