I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
whose parrot is this?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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