Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I think I just sharted jello shots
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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