I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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