A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
