Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
