Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
