Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
