i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
