I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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