Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I am naked and annoyed.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
