Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
