I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
