just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
