I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
