I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
