I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
