i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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