You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
