Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
