remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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