We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
