Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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