i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
im on a boat
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