By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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