Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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