I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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