Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
