Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
