My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
organizing the empties. That sober.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
