I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize