I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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