so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
