So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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